At the crossroad crisis

Standing at the very obvious crossroads in life of being content with the present and aiming for what I know for sure is luxury, I pen this note down for myself in the hope of finding company in someone thriving through the same. Is it the ways of the world we live in or the very nature of human existence that takes us to this junction? I have lost countless nights of sleep to this egg and chicken conundrum. 

While that is a question better left less pondered upon, the social sciences person in me is screaming to blame crony capitalism for corrupting my otherwise sound and relatively just mind. I am caught in greed every moment and the guilt of realisation is too profound to ignore as a mere feeling. Growing doubtful about my own desires and aspirations, I am at the beginning of losing all the tiny yet most humane experiences of my mundane everydayness. 

Will it ever be possible to be content with the present for living to the fullest? My innate bucket of inane desires fueled by my consumption of what capitalism shows and experiences me through life, mocks at me in full vigour. Questions of helplessness and despair fill me. How do I untangle my bucket of desires from the spells of capitalism? If this extraordinary affair turns victorious, how would I navigate a world full of humans hypnotised by capitalism? 

Perhaps the solution was to not let myself indulge in these questions, for ignorance is bliss. I longed to be the little girl once I was, nonchalant and unbothered about the ways of the world. I sought refuge in her only to find her so distant and in traces in my memory. The efforts to revive her have only grown sour and futile for the present is no playground for a little girl nor the future holds any promises for her. 

Torn between the desire for the future and the nonchalance in the past, I stand seeking to identify my whereabouts in the present. This attempt is in search of a hand to hold while the standing becomes tougher and the searching becomes relentless.